Separation can make parenting more complicated, particularly when parents are adjusting to living in separate households. What was once commonly referred to as “custody” and “access” is now generally described as decision-making responsibility and parenting time under the Divorce Act.
Understanding these terms and creating a clear parenting arrangement can help reduce conflict and provide children with greater stability. Here are practical tips for navigating decision-making responsibility and parenting time after separation.
Know What You’re Negotiating
Before creating a parenting arrangement, it is important to understand the difference between decision-making responsibility and parenting time.
Decision-making responsibility refers to the responsibility for making significant decisions about a child’s care and upbringing, including decisions about:
- Education
- Health and medical care
- Culture, language, heritage, and religion
- Significant extracurricular activities
Decision-making responsibility can be assigned to one parent, shared between parents, or allocated differently depending on the type of decision.
Parenting time refers to the time a child spends in the care of a parent, whether or not the child is physically present with that parent.
Parenting schedules can take many forms, including a primary-residence arrangement, a schedule where the child spends substantial time with both parents, or another arrangement tailored to the child’s needs.
There is no automatic rule that children must spend equal time with each parent. Under the Divorce Act, the amount of parenting time must be consistent with the best interests of the child.
Courts consider a range of factors when determining a child’s best interests, including the child’s needs, relationships with each parent and other important people, history of care, stability, each parent’s ability to meet the child’s needs, the child’s views and preferences where appropriate, and each parent’s ability and willingness to support the child’s relationship with the other parent.
Tip 1: Create a Detailed Parenting Plan
A clear parenting plan can help prevent disagreements about everyday arrangements.
Depending on your family’s circumstances, consider addressing:
- Regular weekday and weekend schedules
- Holidays, school breaks, and special occasions
- Decision-making responsibilities
- Communication between parents and with the child
- Transportation and exchanges
- Travel arrangements
- How changes to the schedule will be handled
- Methods for resolving future disagreements
- Important routines and expectations
A parenting plan should be specific enough to reduce uncertainty while remaining practical for your child’s needs.
If you are proposing significant parenting time, consider how the schedule will work with school, extracurricular activities, transportation, work schedules, and other practical responsibilities.
Tip 2: Know Your Options If You Cannot Agree
Parents do not necessarily have to resolve parenting disagreements through a trial.
Depending on the circumstances, parents may consider:
Negotiation: Parents can work directly with each other, often with assistance from their lawyers, to reach an agreement.
Mediation: A neutral mediator can help parents identify issues, communicate effectively, and work toward a parenting agreement. A mediator does not make the decision for the parents.
Parenting coordination: In appropriate circumstances, parenting coordination can assist parents who already have a parenting arrangement but continue to experience significant conflict over its implementation. The scope of a parenting coordinator’s role depends on the agreement or order establishing the process.
Court proceedings: If parents cannot reach an agreement, either parent can ask the court to make a parenting order. Temporary arrangements may also be made while a case is ongoing.
The Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) may become involved in some parenting cases where the court requests its involvement and the OCL accepts the case. The OCL may provide a lawyer, clinician, or both, depending on the circumstances. It is different from a private parenting assessment, which may be conducted by a qualified professional where appropriate.
Tip 3: Keep Communication Brief and Child-Focused
Communication between parents can have a significant impact on how effectively a parenting arrangement works.
Consider:
- Using a consistent method of communication
- Keeping messages focused on the child and practical issues
- Avoiding sarcasm, insults, or unnecessary criticism
- Responding within a reasonable timeframe
- Keeping important information about school, medical appointments, and activities organized
- Putting important agreements in writing
You do not need to agree with your co-parent on everything. The goal is to communicate in a way that allows parenting responsibilities to be managed effectively.
Tip 4: Keep Adult Conflicts Away From Your Child
Separation can involve significant emotions and disagreements. Children should not be placed in the middle of those disputes.
Whenever possible:
- Do not use your child to deliver messages between parents.
- Avoid asking your child to take sides.
- Do not discuss adult disputes with your child.
- Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of your child.
- Allow your child to maintain appropriate relationships with both parents.
A child should not be expected to manage or resolve conflicts between their parents.
Tip 5: Focus on What Your Child Needs
The two households do not have to operate exactly the same way.
Different homes may have different routines, rules, and expectations. However, consistency around important matters such as school, medical care, sleep, and extracurricular activities can help children adjust to living between two households.
When disagreements arise, consider whether the issue genuinely affects your child’s well-being or whether it is simply a difference in parenting preferences.
Tip 6: Make Transitions Between Homes Easier
Moving between two households can take some adjustment, particularly for younger children.
Parents can help by:
- Giving children reasonable notice about upcoming transitions
- Helping them prepare belongings in advance
- Allowing them to bring familiar items between homes
- Keeping exchanges calm and predictable
- Avoiding arguments during exchanges
- Giving children time to settle into each household
The goal is to make transitions predictable rather than another source of conflict.
Tip 7: Get Support When You Need It
You do not have to navigate parenting arrangements alone.
Depending on your circumstances, support from a family lawyer, mediator, counsellor, or other qualified professional may help you develop a workable arrangement and address areas of conflict.
A family lawyer can also explain how the law applies to your particular circumstances and help you understand your options if you are unable to reach an agreement.
FAQ
No. There is no automatic requirement that parenting time be divided equally. The appropriate arrangement depends on the child’s best interests and the specific circumstances of the family.
Yes. Parents can share decision-making responsibility, or responsibility can be allocated differently depending on the type of decision. The appropriate arrangement depends on the circumstances and the child’s best interests.
Parents can consider negotiation, mediation, or other dispute-resolution processes. If an agreement cannot be reached, either parent may ask the court to make a parenting order.
There is no specific age at which a child automatically gets to choose where they live. A child’s views and preferences may be considered, with the weight given to those views depending on factors such as the child’s age and maturity.
Key Takeaways
- Decision-making responsibility and parenting time are different concepts.
- There is no automatic entitlement to equal parenting time. Arrangements must reflect the child’s best interests.
- A detailed parenting plan can reduce uncertainty and future conflict.
- Parents have options other than trial, including negotiation and mediation.
- Children should not be placed in the middle of adult disagreements.
- Parenting arrangements should be practical and focused on the child’s individual needs.
- Professional support may help when parents cannot agree or continue to experience conflict.
